Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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