If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
