I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Come see our sink grown plant.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
