I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
