the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
