I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
