I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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