just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
