we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
