im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
