just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
