my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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