i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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