i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
