I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
