We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
