just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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