The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
