He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
