as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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