They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
