I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
that is very illegal...i love you.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
