Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
