totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
