Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
