I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
