why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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