Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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