My liver just broke up with me...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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