I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
