How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
