Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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