I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
