he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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