drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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