I'm going to jail i love you
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
