I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize