Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
