the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
