Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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