don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
