i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
