I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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