Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Randomize
