I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
