Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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