member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
