How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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