butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
