I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
