Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
