I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize