I wish I only lived at night.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize