The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize