She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
