I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
