Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
