I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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