I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
