I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Randomize
