My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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