I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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