I think I died a long time ago.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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